Battered Woman's Syndrome

I am a victim of Battered Woman's Syndrome, know as BWS can happen to anyone. Look at Mary Winkler, she seemed to of had a near perfect life. But she suffered in silence just like anyone who suffers from BWS. I guess I am one of the lucky ones since I have been divorced for 3 years and left for the last time 4 years ago. But most of time I don't feel very lucky. Even knowing what I know about what BWS doesn't automatically mean I am over it or that it still does affect my daily life. In fact, it truly still haunts me and I am still waiting for him to do something worse than he has already done to me and our daughter. Yes I have a 8 year old daughter, we left when she was 4 years old but she is also still affected by his abuse to me. I am very lucky in the fact he never touched her but he did hurt me in front of her. Again, I am very lucky and I really do realize it sometimes. The Memphis Jewish Community has opened their arms to both of us and have been very instrumental in providing us with the chance to overcome this tragedy. The Jewish community has given my daughter a scholarship to a wonderful private Jewish Day School. Once again I am very lucky and most of all grateful for the opportunity my daughter and me have been given. She is thriving in school and has the chance to overcome the effects of the environment she was in at the beginning of her life. We are also able to get counseling from the Jewish Family Service to help us both overcome the effects of BWS and to help her from repeating my mistakes. Even with all the support I get from the Jewish Community I still feel overwhelmed and unsure of myself. I give back to her school by volunteering as much as I can.
I just want people out there to know it isn't easy to get out and stay out. And most of all I want to let others that suffer from BWS or know someone who is suffering that it isn't our fault and that it is a myth that we like the abuse. In the late 1970's Dr. Lenore Walker introduced a theory to explain why battered women remain with their abusers. In this theory she says BWS contains 2 separate and distinct elements. 1st-The cycle of violence and 2nd-Symptoms of LEARNED HELPLESSNESS. She also goes to say that the cycle of violence has 3 phases. 1st-Tension Building phase; 2nd-Active Battering phase; and 3rd-Calm, Loving, Respite phase also known as "Honeymoon Phase" which is when the batterer starts victimizing and fools us again.
The symptoms of Learned Helplessness is why we stay. Batterers condition us into believing that we are powerless to escape and with the continued pattern of the cycle of uncontrolled violence and abuse. They have instilled in us the feeling of helplessness by combining the domestic abuse ambit, sporadic brutality, perceptions of powerlessness, lack of financial resources and their use of and the threats to us their superior physical strength.
So by using the Learned Helplessness Theory we can change societies perception of battered women by dispelling the myth that we like abuse and offers a logical and rationale explanation why most of us stay with the abuser.
Mary Winkler was lucky to be one of only 31 states and the District of Columbia that has allowed the use of exert testimony regarding BWS. This allowed her attorneys to use all of information available to get her off so lightly after murdering her husband. Oddly enough I actually know one of her attorneys. Now she has a chance to see her children.
I truly hope that her and her children can find their way back together. I know that I would do anything necessary to protect my daughter just as she did what she felt necessary to protect her family and herself.
I am very grateful that didn't ever have to do what she did but I sure felt like doing it more times than I can remember and would do it now if I had to protect my daughter or myself.

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Thanks and have a great day